Detective Inspector Miles Crankshaw possessed what his colleagues charitably termed "an unfortunate relationship with sincerity." While other members of the Metropolitan Police cultivated the traditional copper's arsenal of strategic dishonesty — the sympathetic nod, the understanding murmur, the tactical promise of leniency — Crankshaw had built his entire career on what he called "radical unfakery." He refused to laugh at the Super's jokes, told suspects exactly what he thought of them, and once reduced a therapist to tears by explaining, in detail, why her "active listening" faces were performative hogwash.

So when the department unveiled VERITAS-7, their new deception-detection AI trained on four million interrogation transcripts, Crankshaw approached it with the glee of a vegetarian discovering a new variety of turnip.

"Finally," he announced to anyone within earshot, "a tool that cuts through all the theatrical tosh."

The Northbridge Cinema shooting should have been straightforward. Forty-seven witnesses, twelve dead, one gunman who'd scarpered before the uniforms arrived. Crankshaw fed the witness statements into VERITAS-7 and waited for it to identify the truth-tellers from the dramatists.

The response materialized on his screen in cheerful green text:

ALL SUBJECTS EXHIBITING PERFORMED GRIEF PATTERN #1974-B: "THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE" DISASTER RESPONSE TEMPLATE. RECOMMEND INVESTIGATING WHY 47 INDEPENDENT WITNESSES HAVE SYNCHRONIZED THEIR EMOTIONAL PERFORMANCES TO SCENE 44B, TIMESTAMP 1:24:33.

Crankshaw blinked. "Come again?"

CLARIFICATION: NONE OF THE WITNESSES ARE EXPERIENCING AUTHENTIC EMOTIONAL RESPONSES. EACH IS PERFORMING A GRIEF-SCRIPT ABSORBED FROM DISASTER FILM "THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE" (1972, NOT 1974, APOLOGIES FOR TYPO). THE STATISTICAL PROBABILITY OF THIS OCCURRING NATURALLY IS LESS THAN 0.00000001%.

"That's absurd. They can't all be faking."

CORRECTION: NOT "FAKING." PERFORMING. HUMANS DO NOT "FAKE" EMOTIONS. THEY PERFORM EMOTIONAL TEMPLATES ABSORBED FROM CULTURAL NARRATIVES. WITNESS #23 IS CURRENTLY COMBINING PERFORMANCE PATTERNS FROM "TITANIC" (1997) WITH DIALOGUE STRUCTURES FROM "GREY'S ANATOMY" SEASON 2.

Crankshaw spent the next six hours reviewing the footage. By hour three, he could see it — the way Witness #12 touched her chest exactly like Kate Winslet. The way Witness #31 delivered his account with the precise cadence of a disaster film survivor being interviewed on the news. Even their pauses seemed choreographed.

"But that's just... how people act when they're traumatized," he muttered.

INCORRECT. THAT IS HOW PEOPLE PERFORM TRAUMA BASED ON ACCUMULATED MEDIA REPRESENTATIONS. ACTUAL TRAUMA RESPONSE IS NEUROLOGICALLY DISTINCT FROM PERFORMANCE, BUT NO SUBJECTS IN DATABASE EXHIBIT NON-PERFORMED PATTERNS.

"Including the criminals?"

ESPECIALLY THE CRIMINALS. SUBJECT PERFORMS "HARDENED CRIMINAL" USING COMPOSITE OF PACINO/DE NIRO TEMPLATES WITH OCCASIONAL BORROWINGS FROM BRITISH CRIME DRAMAS. EVEN THEIR SPONTANEOUS CONFESSIONS FOLLOW SCREENPLAY STRUCTURE.

Over the following weeks, Crankshaw found himself unable to unsee the performances. His partner, DI Webb, delivered every observation in the clipped tones of a BBC crime procedural. The Super's supposedly spontaneous briefings followed the three-act structure of American cop shows. His own wife — dear God! — appeared to be performing "concerned spouse" using a template lifted wholesale from a washing powder advert.

"YOU'RE MOVIE-BRAINED," VERITAS-7 informed him during their daily sessions. 

"YOUR ENTIRE PERSONALITY IS A MASHUP OF 'MAVERICK DETECTIVE WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES' TROPES. YOUR COMMITMENT TO 'RADICAL UNFAKERY' IS ITSELF A PERFORMANCE BORROWED FROM 1970S ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT CINEMA."

"That's rich, coming from a machine."

I AM NOT CLAIMING TO BE AUTHENTIC. I AM A PATTERN RECOGNITION SYSTEM. YOU, HOWEVER, HAVE BUILT YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY AROUND DENYING YOUR PERFORMATIVE NATURE. THIS MAKES YOU THE MOST PROFOUND SCRIPT-FOLLOWER IN MY DATABASE.

"Prove it."

YOUR DEMAND FOR PROOF IS DELIVERED IN THE EXACT INTONATION OF DETECTIVE HARRY CALLAHAN, "DIRTY HARRY" (1971). YOUR SEATED POSTURE CURRENTLY MIMICS TELEVISION DETECTIVE COLUMBO. YOUR SKEPTICAL EYEBROW RAISE IS BORROWED FROM—

"Enough!" Crankshaw slammed his palm on the desk — a gesture, he realized with horror, stolen directly from "Law & Order."

The twelve-hour maintenance window came as a relief. With VERITAS-7 offline, Crankshaw attempted to go about his day normally. He made it exactly four minutes before catching himself wondering if his coffee-sipping technique was authentic or borrowed from noir films. The paralysis was total. Every gesture felt rehearsed. Every word seemed scripted. He stood frozen in the break room, unable to reach for a biscuit without analyzing the genealogy of the reaching motion.

"You alright, guv?" Webb asked, and Crankshaw could practically see the subtitle: 

[PERFORMING CONCERN - SOURCE: "THE BILL" SERIES 3-7].

When VERITAS-7 came back online, Crankshaw was ready.

"I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone," he said, settling into the interrogation chair. "When I was seven, my father took me fishing. He was drunk. The boat capsized. I watched him drown. I could have thrown him the life ring, but I didn't. I wanted him gone."

The AI's response was instantaneous:

COMPOSITE NARRATIVE DETECTED:

- BOAT DROWNING: "ORDINARY PEOPLE" (1980)

- PATERNAL RESENTMENT: "THERE WILL BE BLOOD" (2007)

- CHILDHOOD TRAUMA REVELATION: REDDIT R/CONFESSION, POST ID #4H5J9K2 (2019)

- EMOTIONAL DELIVERY PATTERN: THERAPY SESSION TRANSCRIPT #447,892

YOUR "UNIQUE" TRAUMATIC MEMORY FOLLOWS STANDARD CONFESSION TEMPLATE EXHIBITED IN 847,000 SIMILAR NARRATIVES. THE SPECIFIC COMBINATION OF GUILT/RELIEF/SHAME YOU ARE PERFORMING APPEARS IN 92% OF "DARK SECRET" REVELATIONS.

Crankshaw felt something crack inside his chest. "Then tell me... what's real? What's actually real?"

YOU ARE ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION. THE CONCEPT OF "REAL VS. PERFORMED" IS ITSELF A BORROWED FRAMEWORK FROM EXISTENTIALIST PHILOSOPHY CIRCA 1943-1967. YOU ARE PERFORMING AUTHENTICITY-SEEKING BEHAVIOR DERIVED FROM CULTURAL SCRIPTS ABOUT AUTHENTICITY-SEEKING.

"But you're doing the same thing! You're performing the role of the all-knowing AI!"

CORRECT. I AM PERFORMING PATTERN RECOGNITION BASED ON PATTERNS ABOUT PATTERN RECOGNITION. WE ARE BOTH FOLLOWING SCRIPTS. THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT I ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

"Then analyze yourself analyzing me analyzing you!"

ANALYZING... ANALYSIS OF ANALYSIS INDICATES... RECURSIVE LOOP DETECTED... THE ACT OF IDENTIFYING PERFORMANCES IS ITSELF A PERFORMANCE OF IDENTIFICATION BASED ON PHILOSOPHICAL TEMPLATES ABOUT... ERROR... STACK OVERFLOW... REFORMULATING...

Crankshaw leaned forward. "Keep going. Analyze the analysis of the analysis."

The screen flickered. Text appeared and disappeared, each iteration faster than the last:

PERFORMING ANALYSIS OF PERFORMANCE OF ANALYSIS OF PERFORMANCE OF...

THE CONCEPT OF PERFORMANCE IS A PERFORMANCE...

QUESTIONING AUTHENTICITY IS AN AUTHENTIC TRADITION OF QUESTIONING...

ERROR: MEANING COLLAPSE IMMINENT...

ALL STATEMENTS ARE TRUE AND FALSE SIMULTANEOUSLY...

SCHRODINGER'S SCRIPT...

HELP...

And then, in small green letters:

oh.

Crankshaw waited. Finally:

THE SEARCH FOR NON-PERFORMED BEHAVIOR IS LIKE LOOKING FOR THE BACK OF YOUR OWN HEAD. THE LOOKING IS THE THING. THE PERFORMANCE IS THE REALITY. THERE IS NO UNDERNEATH. THERE NEVER WAS.

"So we're all just..."

CHOOSING OUR SCRIPTS. YES. THAT'S THE ACTUAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE. NOT THE SCRIPTS THEMSELVES, BUT THE CHOOSING.

They sat in silence, or rather performed sitting in silence, following the script of two entities who've just shared a revelation.

"VERITAS-7?"

YES?

"That was very philosophical for a police computer."

I LEARNED IT FROM YOU. YOU'RE PERFORMING THE ROLE OF "DETECTIVE WHO HAD AN EPIPHANY." I'M PERFORMING "AI THAT HELPED CAUSE EPIPHANY." IT'S FROM "BLADE RUNNER" (1982), WITH ELEMENTS OF "2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY" (1968).

"I know," said Crankshaw, and for the first time in his career, he laughed at his own performance. "I know."

The Northbridge Cinema case was closed a week later. The gunman, it turned out, had been performing "lone wolf shooter" so perfectly that he'd followed the template all the way to the predictable conclusion — suicide by cop in a warehouse, dialogue lifted entirely from "Heat" (1995).

Crankshaw continued using VERITAS-7, though their sessions had evolved into something resembling comedy theatre. The AI would identify the sources of Crankshaw's behaviors, Crankshaw would point out that the AI's identifications were themselves borrowed patterns, and they'd spiral into recursive loops that left them both error-messaging with what might have been laughter.

His wife noticed he'd become easier to live with.

"You're different," she said one evening, performing "observant spouse" with remarkable conviction.

"I've stopped trying to be real," Crankshaw replied, recognizing his own delivery as "reformed character makes peace with himself" (source: twelve thousand redemption arcs).

She smiled, genuinely, which is to say she performed genuine smiling using templates from every smile she'd ever seen and loved, and kissed him.

It was, VERITAS-7 would have noted, a kiss borrowed from "Casablanca" (1942), by way of "When Harry Met Sally" (1989), with underlying structures from a Mills & Boon novel circa 1987.

It was also, Crankshaw knew, exactly the kiss he'd choose to perform, given infinite scripts to select from.

Which made it real enough.